Giant Pink Scarf and My Dramathon Obsession

I am slowly starting to knit again after many months of being unable to pick up the knitting needles.  Even holding needles for a couple of minutes would make my hands ache, so I put away all my projects and let my hands rest.  Now, almost four months later, I've picked up the needles again and am able to knit a few rows before my hands become numb and the pain creeps through my fingers.  Little by little I'm working on a giant pink scarf with huge needles hoping that I can finish a project that should take a couple of hours in a few weeks and hoping that by then I will be able to knit comfortably for longer stretches of time. 

This inability to do that which I love most is the reason I've gotten back to marathoning dramas and Korean movies. One after another I've consumed them to keep my mind off the fact that I'm emotionally ready to knit but physically every stitch is painful.  In the last couple of weeks I've watched  six movies and finished nineteen dramas.  Yes, 19.  I like to watch dramas much the same way I like to watch Doctor Who I like to consume them all in one sitting one episode after another until I get to the final episode which gives me a great sense of accomplishment much the same way casting off the final stitch of a knit project gives me this sense of accomplishment, a sense that all those hours were not in vain.

Lost My Knitting Mojo

I haven't knit a comfortable stitch since January.  I've started and stopped numerous projects. Cast on scarves, shawls, sweaters, socks, blankets, and hats gotten a few rows, hell, a few stitches in and ripped them all back.  My hands shake as I knit.  My brain becomes numb.  I can feel my heart pound and my breath hitch as I try to make just one more stitch but to no avail.  Whether it's a few minutes work or a few hours I rip it all out, and those minutes, those hours I've spent knitting were painful.  My soul being sucked out of my body painful.  It's not a physical pain, fuck that I could deal with, it's a pain that's lodged somewhere between my heart, throat, and brain.  It's frustration and unshed tears.  It's that lump in your throat when you are so sad that crying isn't enough.  It's wanting to scream at the top of your lungs as you destroy everything around you pain.  For the past two and a half months I've felt that way, with no earthly idea as to why.  I smile for the benefit of those around me.  I pretend that I'm okay, but I'm not.  The smile I put on is brittle if they were to look closely they would be able to see the cracking edges of it, but I've mastered pushing people away.  I don't let them get too close because I don't think I can keep the screams inside if they brushed beside me.


I've lost my knitting mojo.  I'm gonna pretend that's why I feel this way.  So, I'm going to try to cast on again, knit a few rows, slowly a stitch at a time, and regardless of the pain I'm going to keep knitting until I have something, anything.  And stitch by stitch I'm going to let go.

Another Week, Another Interview

Sunday night ... shudders of nervousness run through my body. I have a job interview tomorrow. I hate interviews. I really and truly suck at them. I don't know why. But, it's either nothing comes to mind and I'm a bad mime trying to take up time with useless hand gestures and contrived facial expressions meant to convey understanding or my mouth doesn't stop to communicate with my brain and all this blather tumbles forth. Either way not a good way to make an impression on a potential employer. This time I've at least made it to the interview. I've been applying for every conceivable job I could think of for the last couple of weeks and haven't gotten a call. Not even Wal-Mart called me, and they hire everybody and their dog. I'm not sure why they wouldn't want me. I have a theory ... I think it's because I have a college degree. Honestly, that's the only thing that makes sense. I have retail experience, customer service experience, I speak english, and I know all the local Wal-Marts like the back of my hand. If I were Wal-Mart management I'd be jumping through hoops to get me in, but alas no, not even a call. Is there a certain degree of dumbness you must obtain before being considered for a low level job of Wal-Mart cashier? I think so. I think there are hidden questions in the Wal-Mart application that only people with IQ's in the single digits see, weeding them from the herd so that Wal-Mart management can employ them. Don't believe me? Go to your local Wal-Mart, ask the nearest associate, if you can find one, and ask them the simplest question such as "Do you carry buttons?" and all you'll get is a blank stare and them looking around frantically trying to find another hapless associate to pass you off to. And yes, that is a preposition and yes I will end that sentence with said preposition.
I'm still working on my double knitted scarf, it's slow work this double knitting thing. I need to find a new project but I've been worried about tomorrow's interview all week long so I haven't wanted to start anything new that might take actual concentration. Hopefully, tomorrow will go smoothly and then I can cast on Aeolian Shawl from Knitty.

What to knit, what to knit, what to knit

Unemployment continues... Why is it even though I am unemployed I still do not look forward to Monday mornings? Is it a psychological thing??? Now, there's something to ponder about.

In knitting news -- I finished the Traveling Woman shawl I was working on. I took pictures of the finished product, but unfortunately I forgot to place the memory card back in the camera so the pictures on the camera and I have long lost the wire to connect said camera to computer. I would take pictures of it with the memory stick in the camera, but I have already gifted it away. I gave it to my 3 year old niece who loves all things girlie and pink. I placed it inside a Disney Princess's lunch box and she absolutely adored it. So did her mom, who has already asked to borrow it. It was a nice shawl, but a little too pink and girlie girl for me. I like giving my knitting away to my niece she just thinks it's the coolest thing. A couple of weeks ago, I was babysitting and trying to work on a different project when she asked when I was going to make something for her. I quickly took up the ugliest red acrylic yarn you have ever laid eyes on and knitted up a square with size 9 needles. Pretty simple 1x1 ribbing on either end and a center of garter stitch. I quickly seamed the squared in half leaving an opening and abba cadabra a glove. Rumor has it that she wore it all week long and even to school. Kinda made me feel bad that I made it from such ugly yarn so Traveling Woman was my way of apologizing.

Now, I'm trying to think of what to make next. I'm liking these quick knits. Cast on, a week later a pretty shawl good times. I promised my sister I'd make her a shawl in purple wool I have stashed. I just need to figure out which design. I might make another Springtime Bandit I truly enjoyed that knit. I'm going through all the design on Ravelry at the moment trying to make up my mind. I was also eying Eunny Jang's Endpaper Mitts. I looovvve the way they look, but at the moment I don't have the needles free to begin the gloves, but I'm dying to try out the colorwork pattern on a scarf maybe... now, there's an idea.

Still Unemployed ....

Last time I was on here it had been five months since I lost my job, well, now it's eight and I'm still unemployed which by the way still blows. I've applied everywhere I can think of. At this point I'm not picky, I need a job!!!! So, if anyone out there in internet lands happens to stumble upon this blog and reads this and you have any ideas related to finding and actually getting employed please let me know. I'm desperate, people. I've even applied to Wal-Mart and the local convenience stores, but they won't have me. In the last couple of months, I've been to three interviews all of which I thought had gone okay but none of which panned out. So, internet gods, I implore you I need help with this job thing. I'll sacrifice my first modem for any help on the job front.

I'm running low on sock yarn. I only have 15 skeins left and I used up by Knit Picks Andean Treasure in Wild Rose last week when I knit the Springtime Bandit. I really loved the way it turned out, but I've sent it off to my best friend up in Dallas since they actually have winter like weather there.



Currently on the needles is a Log Cabin Afghan, a giant granny square blanket, and Traveling Woman Shawl. Those are the ones that I'm pretty sure will get finished.

OHhhhh, I almost forgot I also have one sock done of Monkey Socks. I'm sure the second one will

get done eventually. I made the leg much short with only three pattern repeats instead of six. I really don't like long socks.


Also on the needles, but about to get frogged is February Lady Sweater and EZ's Tomten Jacket which has been languishing for the past two years. Although I love the Feb. Lady Sweater, I've decided in my old age and wisdom that I don not have the patience for sweater knitting. That might change but for now the yarn that I'm gonna get from those two projects will become scarfs or hats or something easy and fast to knit.

WIPs

Ok, I have a confession to make. It won't be easy but I think it is my sacred duty to shout it to the great infinite web universe. After today I will need to hide my face everywhere I go in shame, but it is time I admit it to at least myself. I'll just take a deep breath and try not to cry as I type this ---- I AM A HORRIBLE KNITTER. There I said it now I can go on with my life. I like knitting I really do, but then I go on Ravelry and it's like holy mother fucking shit I'm no where as good or talented or patient as these people. So I get a bit depressed and eat ice cream and cast on a new project hoping that this project will be the one that unlocks my inner knitting genius. It of course doesn't work and I'm left with the dilemma of either having another project on the needles or frogging the thing. I usually end up frogging but not always so let's see what is currently on the needles:
1. Tomten Jacket -- I started this jacket last summer for my nephew and have not finished it. I need one sleeve and half of the other to finish. I don't think it fits my nephew anymore. Six year olds tend to stretch a lot. Not sure if I'll finish it for the sake of finishing or if it'll go to the pond.
2. Laminaria from Knitty -- I'm determined it make this my first finished lace project. I'm on the second repeat of the blossom chart. I started this in May and I'm working on it whenever the mood for lace strikes.
3. Rib Socks -- one down one to go started this a couple of weeks ago as when my brother started driving school I work on them as I wait for him after class. Hopefully this will be done by the time he gets his driver's license.
4. Whisper Cardigan from Interweave -- started last month as my late night show watching knitting and then stopped watching late night tv and stopped knitting on this. I finished the first sleeve and am currently working on back.
5. 2 Log Cabin Blankets - don't ask me why because I don't know. I might have to do with watching the quick progress the Yarn Harlot is having with it but mine are slow going bordering at being at a complete stand still.

As soon as I find my camera I'll post pics of the culprits.