Lost My Knitting Mojo

I haven't knit a comfortable stitch since January.  I've started and stopped numerous projects. Cast on scarves, shawls, sweaters, socks, blankets, and hats gotten a few rows, hell, a few stitches in and ripped them all back.  My hands shake as I knit.  My brain becomes numb.  I can feel my heart pound and my breath hitch as I try to make just one more stitch but to no avail.  Whether it's a few minutes work or a few hours I rip it all out, and those minutes, those hours I've spent knitting were painful.  My soul being sucked out of my body painful.  It's not a physical pain, fuck that I could deal with, it's a pain that's lodged somewhere between my heart, throat, and brain.  It's frustration and unshed tears.  It's that lump in your throat when you are so sad that crying isn't enough.  It's wanting to scream at the top of your lungs as you destroy everything around you pain.  For the past two and a half months I've felt that way, with no earthly idea as to why.  I smile for the benefit of those around me.  I pretend that I'm okay, but I'm not.  The smile I put on is brittle if they were to look closely they would be able to see the cracking edges of it, but I've mastered pushing people away.  I don't let them get too close because I don't think I can keep the screams inside if they brushed beside me.


I've lost my knitting mojo.  I'm gonna pretend that's why I feel this way.  So, I'm going to try to cast on again, knit a few rows, slowly a stitch at a time, and regardless of the pain I'm going to keep knitting until I have something, anything.  And stitch by stitch I'm going to let go.

WIPs

Ok, I have a confession to make. It won't be easy but I think it is my sacred duty to shout it to the great infinite web universe. After today I will need to hide my face everywhere I go in shame, but it is time I admit it to at least myself. I'll just take a deep breath and try not to cry as I type this ---- I AM A HORRIBLE KNITTER. There I said it now I can go on with my life. I like knitting I really do, but then I go on Ravelry and it's like holy mother fucking shit I'm no where as good or talented or patient as these people. So I get a bit depressed and eat ice cream and cast on a new project hoping that this project will be the one that unlocks my inner knitting genius. It of course doesn't work and I'm left with the dilemma of either having another project on the needles or frogging the thing. I usually end up frogging but not always so let's see what is currently on the needles:
1. Tomten Jacket -- I started this jacket last summer for my nephew and have not finished it. I need one sleeve and half of the other to finish. I don't think it fits my nephew anymore. Six year olds tend to stretch a lot. Not sure if I'll finish it for the sake of finishing or if it'll go to the pond.
2. Laminaria from Knitty -- I'm determined it make this my first finished lace project. I'm on the second repeat of the blossom chart. I started this in May and I'm working on it whenever the mood for lace strikes.
3. Rib Socks -- one down one to go started this a couple of weeks ago as when my brother started driving school I work on them as I wait for him after class. Hopefully this will be done by the time he gets his driver's license.
4. Whisper Cardigan from Interweave -- started last month as my late night show watching knitting and then stopped watching late night tv and stopped knitting on this. I finished the first sleeve and am currently working on back.
5. 2 Log Cabin Blankets - don't ask me why because I don't know. I might have to do with watching the quick progress the Yarn Harlot is having with it but mine are slow going bordering at being at a complete stand still.

As soon as I find my camera I'll post pics of the culprits.