Lost My Knitting Mojo

I haven't knit a comfortable stitch since January.  I've started and stopped numerous projects. Cast on scarves, shawls, sweaters, socks, blankets, and hats gotten a few rows, hell, a few stitches in and ripped them all back.  My hands shake as I knit.  My brain becomes numb.  I can feel my heart pound and my breath hitch as I try to make just one more stitch but to no avail.  Whether it's a few minutes work or a few hours I rip it all out, and those minutes, those hours I've spent knitting were painful.  My soul being sucked out of my body painful.  It's not a physical pain, fuck that I could deal with, it's a pain that's lodged somewhere between my heart, throat, and brain.  It's frustration and unshed tears.  It's that lump in your throat when you are so sad that crying isn't enough.  It's wanting to scream at the top of your lungs as you destroy everything around you pain.  For the past two and a half months I've felt that way, with no earthly idea as to why.  I smile for the benefit of those around me.  I pretend that I'm okay, but I'm not.  The smile I put on is brittle if they were to look closely they would be able to see the cracking edges of it, but I've mastered pushing people away.  I don't let them get too close because I don't think I can keep the screams inside if they brushed beside me.


I've lost my knitting mojo.  I'm gonna pretend that's why I feel this way.  So, I'm going to try to cast on again, knit a few rows, slowly a stitch at a time, and regardless of the pain I'm going to keep knitting until I have something, anything.  And stitch by stitch I'm going to let go.

Another Week, Another Interview

Sunday night ... shudders of nervousness run through my body. I have a job interview tomorrow. I hate interviews. I really and truly suck at them. I don't know why. But, it's either nothing comes to mind and I'm a bad mime trying to take up time with useless hand gestures and contrived facial expressions meant to convey understanding or my mouth doesn't stop to communicate with my brain and all this blather tumbles forth. Either way not a good way to make an impression on a potential employer. This time I've at least made it to the interview. I've been applying for every conceivable job I could think of for the last couple of weeks and haven't gotten a call. Not even Wal-Mart called me, and they hire everybody and their dog. I'm not sure why they wouldn't want me. I have a theory ... I think it's because I have a college degree. Honestly, that's the only thing that makes sense. I have retail experience, customer service experience, I speak english, and I know all the local Wal-Marts like the back of my hand. If I were Wal-Mart management I'd be jumping through hoops to get me in, but alas no, not even a call. Is there a certain degree of dumbness you must obtain before being considered for a low level job of Wal-Mart cashier? I think so. I think there are hidden questions in the Wal-Mart application that only people with IQ's in the single digits see, weeding them from the herd so that Wal-Mart management can employ them. Don't believe me? Go to your local Wal-Mart, ask the nearest associate, if you can find one, and ask them the simplest question such as "Do you carry buttons?" and all you'll get is a blank stare and them looking around frantically trying to find another hapless associate to pass you off to. And yes, that is a preposition and yes I will end that sentence with said preposition.
I'm still working on my double knitted scarf, it's slow work this double knitting thing. I need to find a new project but I've been worried about tomorrow's interview all week long so I haven't wanted to start anything new that might take actual concentration. Hopefully, tomorrow will go smoothly and then I can cast on Aeolian Shawl from Knitty.