Lost My Knitting Mojo

I haven't knit a comfortable stitch since January.  I've started and stopped numerous projects. Cast on scarves, shawls, sweaters, socks, blankets, and hats gotten a few rows, hell, a few stitches in and ripped them all back.  My hands shake as I knit.  My brain becomes numb.  I can feel my heart pound and my breath hitch as I try to make just one more stitch but to no avail.  Whether it's a few minutes work or a few hours I rip it all out, and those minutes, those hours I've spent knitting were painful.  My soul being sucked out of my body painful.  It's not a physical pain, fuck that I could deal with, it's a pain that's lodged somewhere between my heart, throat, and brain.  It's frustration and unshed tears.  It's that lump in your throat when you are so sad that crying isn't enough.  It's wanting to scream at the top of your lungs as you destroy everything around you pain.  For the past two and a half months I've felt that way, with no earthly idea as to why.  I smile for the benefit of those around me.  I pretend that I'm okay, but I'm not.  The smile I put on is brittle if they were to look closely they would be able to see the cracking edges of it, but I've mastered pushing people away.  I don't let them get too close because I don't think I can keep the screams inside if they brushed beside me.


I've lost my knitting mojo.  I'm gonna pretend that's why I feel this way.  So, I'm going to try to cast on again, knit a few rows, slowly a stitch at a time, and regardless of the pain I'm going to keep knitting until I have something, anything.  And stitch by stitch I'm going to let go.

Still Unemployed ....

Last time I was on here it had been five months since I lost my job, well, now it's eight and I'm still unemployed which by the way still blows. I've applied everywhere I can think of. At this point I'm not picky, I need a job!!!! So, if anyone out there in internet lands happens to stumble upon this blog and reads this and you have any ideas related to finding and actually getting employed please let me know. I'm desperate, people. I've even applied to Wal-Mart and the local convenience stores, but they won't have me. In the last couple of months, I've been to three interviews all of which I thought had gone okay but none of which panned out. So, internet gods, I implore you I need help with this job thing. I'll sacrifice my first modem for any help on the job front.

I'm running low on sock yarn. I only have 15 skeins left and I used up by Knit Picks Andean Treasure in Wild Rose last week when I knit the Springtime Bandit. I really loved the way it turned out, but I've sent it off to my best friend up in Dallas since they actually have winter like weather there.



Currently on the needles is a Log Cabin Afghan, a giant granny square blanket, and Traveling Woman Shawl. Those are the ones that I'm pretty sure will get finished.

OHhhhh, I almost forgot I also have one sock done of Monkey Socks. I'm sure the second one will

get done eventually. I made the leg much short with only three pattern repeats instead of six. I really don't like long socks.


Also on the needles, but about to get frogged is February Lady Sweater and EZ's Tomten Jacket which has been languishing for the past two years. Although I love the Feb. Lady Sweater, I've decided in my old age and wisdom that I don not have the patience for sweater knitting. That might change but for now the yarn that I'm gonna get from those two projects will become scarfs or hats or something easy and fast to knit.