Lost My Knitting Mojo

I haven't knit a comfortable stitch since January.  I've started and stopped numerous projects. Cast on scarves, shawls, sweaters, socks, blankets, and hats gotten a few rows, hell, a few stitches in and ripped them all back.  My hands shake as I knit.  My brain becomes numb.  I can feel my heart pound and my breath hitch as I try to make just one more stitch but to no avail.  Whether it's a few minutes work or a few hours I rip it all out, and those minutes, those hours I've spent knitting were painful.  My soul being sucked out of my body painful.  It's not a physical pain, fuck that I could deal with, it's a pain that's lodged somewhere between my heart, throat, and brain.  It's frustration and unshed tears.  It's that lump in your throat when you are so sad that crying isn't enough.  It's wanting to scream at the top of your lungs as you destroy everything around you pain.  For the past two and a half months I've felt that way, with no earthly idea as to why.  I smile for the benefit of those around me.  I pretend that I'm okay, but I'm not.  The smile I put on is brittle if they were to look closely they would be able to see the cracking edges of it, but I've mastered pushing people away.  I don't let them get too close because I don't think I can keep the screams inside if they brushed beside me.


I've lost my knitting mojo.  I'm gonna pretend that's why I feel this way.  So, I'm going to try to cast on again, knit a few rows, slowly a stitch at a time, and regardless of the pain I'm going to keep knitting until I have something, anything.  And stitch by stitch I'm going to let go.

What to knit, what to knit, what to knit

Unemployment continues... Why is it even though I am unemployed I still do not look forward to Monday mornings? Is it a psychological thing??? Now, there's something to ponder about.

In knitting news -- I finished the Traveling Woman shawl I was working on. I took pictures of the finished product, but unfortunately I forgot to place the memory card back in the camera so the pictures on the camera and I have long lost the wire to connect said camera to computer. I would take pictures of it with the memory stick in the camera, but I have already gifted it away. I gave it to my 3 year old niece who loves all things girlie and pink. I placed it inside a Disney Princess's lunch box and she absolutely adored it. So did her mom, who has already asked to borrow it. It was a nice shawl, but a little too pink and girlie girl for me. I like giving my knitting away to my niece she just thinks it's the coolest thing. A couple of weeks ago, I was babysitting and trying to work on a different project when she asked when I was going to make something for her. I quickly took up the ugliest red acrylic yarn you have ever laid eyes on and knitted up a square with size 9 needles. Pretty simple 1x1 ribbing on either end and a center of garter stitch. I quickly seamed the squared in half leaving an opening and abba cadabra a glove. Rumor has it that she wore it all week long and even to school. Kinda made me feel bad that I made it from such ugly yarn so Traveling Woman was my way of apologizing.

Now, I'm trying to think of what to make next. I'm liking these quick knits. Cast on, a week later a pretty shawl good times. I promised my sister I'd make her a shawl in purple wool I have stashed. I just need to figure out which design. I might make another Springtime Bandit I truly enjoyed that knit. I'm going through all the design on Ravelry at the moment trying to make up my mind. I was also eying Eunny Jang's Endpaper Mitts. I looovvve the way they look, but at the moment I don't have the needles free to begin the gloves, but I'm dying to try out the colorwork pattern on a scarf maybe... now, there's an idea.